Dearest Bonner and Ian,
I write this letter to you tonight with the heaviest of hearts! Tomorrow is a big day for your mom ... and, admittedly, for you two as well. It's a sad day as I feel overwhelming grief that I have failed you! I have failed to give you a home with 2 parents living under the same roof; I have failed to give you a "normal" childhood; I have failed to keep your security in tact! I know you know that what you are currently going through is not the way families are supposed to be ... and it hurts me to no end when you ask me, "Mommy, why doesn't daddy live here anymore?" It pains me when you ask me, "Mommy, when are you and daddy going to go together again?" It kills me as I have cried myself to sleep many a nights over the past 14 months not because of my pain, but the pain I feel for you both in having your innocent little world upended.
I remember thinking back when I was trying to come to terms with God about Ian's heart condition ... I kept asking, "Why?" Not really "Why my child?"; but simply "Why?" in the context of "What are You using this situation to prepare me for, God?" I always thought it was so that I could be a supportive mother to other mother's faced with the same circumstances! However, now I wonder if looking death in the eye with my child wasn't preparing me for the past 14 months of an emotional rollercoaster. But, I want you to know that God has been with me since the beginning of the end of my marriage to your father. He has given me a counselor to help me talk through my pain; He has given me a support group that has not waivered; and, He has given you to me - and believe it or not, in the midst of the unknown, you two have provided me great comfort with your continuous love, hugs, and kisses!
Bonner, when you say to me, "Mommy, I have something to tell you - I love you!" my heart simply melts. If there were tears in my future, your love replaces them with smiles. Ian, when you say, "Mommy, hugs!" and come running over to me for a tight squeeze, I am reminded that you only know unconditional love and I am so thankful for that! I know that God, through the Holy Spirit, our family, and our dear friends will continue to shower us with love! I know that our circumstances are not any that I would have wished upon us; but, I am thankful for the opportunity to remind you each and everyday that no matter what tomorrow holds, God is among us! He loves you, Ian; He loves you, Bonner! Please do not ever forget that!
I love you more than life itself; I would do anything I could for you and that's what makes divorce so sad ... because I just couldn't do enough to keep it from happening! I am sorry that you are now a statistic; I am sorry that the chance of you having happy marriages "until death does you part" just dropped considerably; I am sorry that I have caused you to have to be resilient ... for all of these things, I am deeply sorry! If I could change it, I would; but, I know that God has a plan for the 3 of us! We have been blessed beyond what we deserve; He has not forsaken us this past year; in fact, He has continued to draw closer to us!
I will always be here for you and hope that when you are the right age that we can talk about this time in our lives with open and honest communication! I pray for you each and every day - that God will continue to watch over you, keep you healthy, keep you happy, and keep you close to one another! I am so thankful that you can walk this journey together as "two peas in a pod"; you are never alone and for that, I am so thankful!
Love Always,
"Your Favorite Mommy"
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